By the Beer Hole Staff

functional-alcoholic

1. Pop some breath mints before driving home from the bar. If you get pulled over, explain to the officer that you just brushed your teeth because you are very clean. Insinuate that he isn’t clean because he didn’t just brush his teeth. This’ll confuse him and he’ll let you go.

2. A single Big Mac absorbs the alcohol of ten beers. If you eat 4-5 Monday morning you should be good for the entire week, perhaps even longer.

2. A bottle cap contains about a tenth of a cent worth of fine, smoltable steel. Hold on to that shit.

3. Did you know some people actually drive better when they’re drunk? It’s true, my dad even said so. Befriend one of these people and have him drive you home.

4. GHB is an inexpensive substitute for alcohol and breahtalyzers can’t pick it up.

5. If possible, consider drinking during “unpopular” times (mornings, weekdays, et cetera). A policeman is much less likely to question your stumbling or swerving if it happens at noon on a Tuesday.

6. White people do this thing where if you pass out drunk around them they’ll write shit on your face with magic marker. If drinking around white people, be sure to tell them that you will fucking kill them if they try that. If possible, brandish a knife while doing so.

7. When you’ve drank your King Cobra down to the label, fill the bottle back up with orange juice or Sunny Delight. That way you get vitamins.

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