There are approximately 500 different varieties of Molson. If you are in Canada, you will be forced to drink at least a dozen of them. But which ones will you choose? In the midwest, we only have access to Molson Canadian, which isn’t really distinguishable from any other macros, and Molson Golden, which is skunky and gross. What wonders do the other varieties offer?

Molson Ex(port)

molson ex

“This here is the real Mol-son. The rest? They are just Mol-daughters.”
-Some French guy next to me at bar. (Translated. [By me.])

I’ve heard people say this is the same thing as Molson Canadian only it’s in a different can because those crazy Quebecois demand difference. Those people are fucking stupid since this is an entirely different beer.

This is one of those beers that tastes way better on tap than in the can. I don’t know what causes that because I am not a professional canman. Good front end and the back gets a little sour and syrupy, kinda like your lesser American macros. Very nice front all the way through, though, and the downer back end ain’t that noticeable in the tap version. It’s a real bargain, too, the Bell Center only charges 11 bucks a tall boy!

Molson M

m
M is for Mystgestic, the Canadian pickup artist. He negs on hb9s. They’re all sitting in the club and he comes up and is like “hey that beer looks carbonated and I bet a woman of your middling caliber is sastified by that. But lemme ask—you ever been microcarbonated?” And then the hb9 just fucks him right there because that’s how it works when you’re the PUA of beers, man.

It tastes basically like a flat Molson Canadian only with a shitty backend. Comes in a can the size of a wine bottle that has the same aesthetic as an early 90s Fox Sitcom. This is the Herman’s Head of Canadian beer.

Molson Dry Cold Shots 6.5
cold6.5
From what I gather, this beer is pretty explicitly marketed as something that high schoolers are supposed to sneak into class. A can fits easily in a decent sized boot, and from a glance–should, say, some Johnny Law or Suzie “No Fun” McTeacherpants espy you–it looks like an energy drink can.

As for the beer–not bad, surprisingly. I was bracing myself for something along the lines of a shitty American malt liquor, but the gravity just ain’t high enough to break into any really bad nodes of metal or poison grain. It’s dull, certainly, but not without beeriness.

Molson Dry (“Regular”)
dry
I never understood why anyone would attach the word “dry” to a liquid. I mean, there’s even a picture of a big, watery wave right on the bottle. When I was younger I thought “dry” gin kind of made sense, because it made your mouth feel parched. And then I realized that calling a cocktail dry was a way to make it known that it was boozy, not watery. Both those make sense. But beer? WTF?

Anyhow, this has a grassiness similar to Rolling Rock, with big nodes of corn and other canned veggies. Not particularly beery, but there’s something going on there and there are no off nodes. Bizarrely enough, I think I like the higher ABV “Cold Shots” version of this better, even though that particular beer seems marketed directly to wannabe homeless people.

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