good gourd

It’s called Good Gourd because blasphemy is just sooooo hilarious. Hey–you know what else is hilarious? Burning in hell! For eternity!

I’ve been away. Been doing some tent revivals in parts westward. And when I head out yonder I hear to this great land and its great kin, listening to their hearts so as to purify their souls.

This here is a Christian nation, see. Founded by none other than Jesus Christ himself in 1776. All our great leaders have been fine Christians: Thomas Jefferson, Benjamin Franklin, Thomas Paine, David Duke. Why, our founding fathers cared so strongly for Christ that they made sure to enshrine Christianity as the official religion of this country, a pillar of civilization so strong it came second only to the enshrinement of English as are official language.

And yet–yet there are some people who think they can just go and sell products that not only refuse to celebrate our one, true American lord, but openly mock Him and His father.

These are the accursed. Open atheists are much more tolerable, as the many lies upon which their “beliefs” are founded can be easily rebuked. Much more insidious is the subtler mockery found in products such as this. That this beer is so closely tied to the most satanic of holidays (aside from MLK day) is no coincidence. Just as the evil, “Happy Holidays”-wishing scum at Target seek to entice your children to the dark side with promises of tricks and treats, the soul devourers at Cigar City attempt to lure drinking men over to their godless camp with this exquisite ale.

Drink not of it, my friends! Take heed of my dire warning! The ale’s flavor is but a devilish ruse meant, like dinosaur bones and opposable thumbs, to confuse the hearts of the pure.

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