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I don’t think you’re supposed to think about lagers too hard. I feel like these beers are laughing at me more than the ones I regularly drink, although that’s not why I normally avoid them. ($$$ for hops) Unoriginal idea coming up here: Lagers are stylistically meant to be ignored.

For example, every beer description I’ve ever read about a lager or what a lager is meant to be tries to flaunt zero esters, zero yeast, and some silly, synesthetic idea named crispness. Either they’re trying to refer to the feel of potato chips or some stabbing sensation. Essentially they’re trying to get you repulsed about the idea of tasting your beer. Additionally, it seems that at least three quarters of lager styles wear a scary-sounding disclaimer for their distinctively excessive hop “bite” which is just un-fucking-bearable to hear.

See? I’m already thinking too hard about it. This reminds me of when I worked on a research farm zig-zagging through spider-infested corn fields, noting crap, carefully taking my time with every one of the thousands of sample plots we had to get through. (How was there never a video game called Tassel Blaster?) Meanwhile, everyone got pissed off at me for not quickly calling out observations à la Ray Charles and for instead thinking there was enough time in life to gainfully pay attention to every minute detail simply for the sake of feeling that you’re 100% right. With this, as with lagers, you’re just supposed to shut your fucking brain off.

So in complete disregard of what I just said (as usual) I’ll review these three New Glarus lagers as if they’re actually true, dick-in-the-face fancy beers!


Two Women

Darker than your typical lager, it’s gotta Tootsie Roll pop orange hue like there’s something brown hidden inside. Here’s where it gets tough: picking up any flavor or aroma other than “beer.” But when I turn the lights out and put in ear plugs and concentrate real, real hard I smell a HINT of brown sugar, a HINT of molasses-scented grain or whatever that corniness I sense in cheap malt liquor is, and some apple. Holy shit this tastes like apple! Not the cidery off-flavor acetaldehyde typical of a shitty fermentation, I’m talkin’ real, live apples. Unfortunately, though, that’s as excited as I’ll get with these. Oh yeah, and I taste more of that “grain,” kinda like the bready, ultra-light pilsner malt they sell at those homebrew stores. (I wonder if they put that in here, too!)


Edel Pils

WTF Edel Pils! Where’d my head go? I’m blaming whatever anti-hop matter they put in here for the immediate head dissipation. Less aroma. What is that caustic farm grain smell? Corn? Trademark malt liquor scent? I can’t say I don’t enjoy this as I pretty much get outright defensive about my tolerance of OE 800 and this is a hundred times better. It’s actually kinda classy. Taste is still a little apple-y, which I assume is just another symptom of my acute apple deprivation. The teasing bitterness as it warms is very welcome and, at the same time, reminiscent of my idea of adding a blooper reel to the end of Schindler’s List.


Spotted Cow

Super pale yellow. Duh! Hardly any aroma I can pick up FUCK THIS!! The only thing I can think to say about this lager is there’s a placebic vanilla ice cream flavor. It’s great but I also know I’m just being fed lies by the label description. There’s no ice cream in this! I’d try to send it back for a refund if it weren’t so goddamned tasty and definitely the best one of the bunch.